Limbo

There’s an entire story behind the writing below. It doesn’t really need telling so I won’t. I wrote this back in February before the man who this is about showed me who he really was. Though we hadn’t been romantically involved for quite some time (years), I thought we had a friendship. I was wrong about a lot of things. That’s tough to admit but admitting mistakes brings about healing. I miss this person but I gotta let it go.  I wanted to change the piece to reflect where we are now but I decided to leave it as is. In moments of melancholy you sometimes think about what could’ve been had circumstances been different and that is what this is about. In hindsight there was nothing I’ve could’ve done to change the outcome of this relationship because I didn’t really know him. Reading this made me cringe and want to delete every word but I’m stronger than that. Let me know what you think.

Limbo

I loved you and I think you loved me too.

Tonight I can lie to myself and say tomorrow you won’t be there in a song lyric on the car radio

There in that movie where the actor looks just like you

There in a crowded room where I hear you call my name

There in my disappointment when I realize it wasn’t you at all

There in my phone contacts daring me to call you and act like I’m not missing you

You loved me when I dressed in the clothes you took off, even down to your shoes. I walked around imitating your swagger.  I loved you as we laughed together when the pants started to fall down and the shoes flopped with every step I took.

You loved me when you awoke in the middle of the night to put the covers back around me.  I loved you when I pretended to not be awakened by your sweetness.

I loved you when I let you see the vulnerable side of me. You loved me when you kept trying to comfort, even when you couldn’t understand my words as I cried harder than I ever had before.

I loved you when I tried to make it work even though the distance was too much for either of us to handle.  I even loved you as I tried to connect with someone else to replace the void you left.

I loved you even when I was sure that you didn’t love me anymore.  But maybe you did. Maybe you still do.  I have to remind myself of the bad times to diminish how great the good times were.  I do this because nothing has changed.  The situation remains the same.